Safety Planning After Leaving an Abusive Relasionship

As found out by many survivors, the journey of leaving an abusive relationship is not over after leaving, there are steps to be taken for continued safety after leaving. Here are some important tips/things to consider from The National Domestic Violence Hotline and Domestic Violence Resource Center.

• Change your locks and phone number.
• Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.
• Change your work hours and the route you take to work.
• Change the route taken to transport children to school or consider changing your children’s schools.
• Alert school authorities of the situation.
• Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail (be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports, and be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number).
• Reschedule appointments that the offender is aware of.
• Use different stores and frequent different social spots.
• Alert neighbors and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger.
• Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible.
• Install a motion sensitive lighting system.
• Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. Devise a safety plan for leaving work, such as exiting through the back door.
• Have someone escort you when leaving work and wait with you until you are safely en route.Create a safety routine when you arrive home: checking your house and property, checking in with someone to let them know you are safe, etc. 
• Tell people who take care of your children or drive them/pick them up from school and activities. Explain your situation to them.
• Ensure the safety of your pet by changing veterinarians and avoid leaving pets outside alone
• Have a photo of your abuser for quick identification.
• If you have to communicate with your abuser, determine the safest way to do so and avoid being alone with them.

When children and custody are involved...

Planning for Unsupervised Visits

If you have separated from an abusive partner and are concerned for your childrens’ safety when they visit your ex, developing a safety plan for while they are visiting can be beneficial.

• Brainstorm with your children (if they are old enough) to come up with ways that they can stay safe using the same model as you would for your own home. Have them identify where they can get to a phone, how they can leave the house, and who they can go to.
• If it’s safe to do, send a cell phone with the children to be used in emergency situations — this can be used to call 911, a neighbor or you if they need aid.

Planning for Safe Custody Exchanges

• Avoid exchanging custody at your home or your partner’s home.
• Meet in a safe, public place such as a restaurant, a bank/other area with lots of cameras, or even near a police station.
• Bring a friend or relative with you to the exchanges, or have them make the exchange.
• Perhaps plan to have your partner pick the children up from school at the end of the day after you drop them off in the morning – this eliminates the chances of seeing each other.
• Emotional safety plan as well – figure out something to do before the exchange to calm any nerves you’re feeling, and something after to focus on yourself or the kids, such as going to a park or doing a fun activity.

How to Have These Conversations

Let your child know that what’s happening is not their fault and that they didn’t cause it. Let them know how much you love them and that you support them no matter what. Tell them that you want to protect them and that you want everyone to be safe, so you have to come up with a plan to use in case of emergencies. It’s important to remember that when you’re safety planning with a child, they might tell this information to the abusive partner, which could make the situation more dangerous (ex. “Mom said to do this if you get angry.”) When talking about these plans with your child, use phrases such as “We’re practicing what to do in an emergency,” instead of “We’re planning what you can do when dad/mom becomes violent.”

Picture source:https://www.seventeen.com/love/dating-advice/advice/g1340/quotes-about-being-single/ sources: Path to Safety - National Domestic Violence Hotline. (n.d.). Retrieved December 8, 2019, from https://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/., ljzd1o. (2017, November 1). Safety Planning. Retrieved December 8, 2019, from https://www.dvrc-or.org/safety-planning/.