Survivor story #1-The most beautiful mom in the whole big world.
"So, I have never shared my full story. Given that I've come a long way in figuring out who I am again, and learning how to regain my life, I decided helping you out is a good time of time as ever. Buckle up.
May 2013- I meet a man, he seems too good to be true. He's funny, smart, outgoing, he treats me, constantly compliments me, brags about me to people around him... overall great guy.
July 2013- find out said guy has a son that was born a few weeks before that he didn't know about. Whatever, he's amazing, you love children, you are a preschool teacher, after all.
December 2013- move in with said man because his roommates and him needed someone to take an empty spot for the person they kicked out. Then there's an extra bedroom for baby.
Christmas eve-eve 2014- he slices his hand on an ice auger, cutting 2 1/2 tendons. Surgery the next day, he doesn't have insurance and has to miss 2 months of work, but it's okay, that's what your savings account is for.
February 2014- finally meet baby. Fall in love instantly. You two just bond, you can't explain it. When mom takes him he reaches and cries for you on the first meeting.
June 2014- you move into your own place. Que happy little family.
July 2014- he calls you dumb for the first time. But you are being dumb... I mean, how could you not know how to set up the internet?
August 2014- he calls you crazy for the first time. But it's true. You knew he was going out with the guys and you'd be home with the teething baby tonight. You should have assumed he wouldn't be back until morning, and would be too drunk to text you and check on his child. Is it really that big of a deal that you pack up a 13 month old and walk 3 miles to Walgreens for tylenol at 1am because you don't have a car and he took it, even though you offered to drop him off in case you needed to go somewhere.
September 2014- you find out he's been saving money for the past couple months and takes you on a weekend getaway.
November 2014- it's Thanksgiving. He comments about getting seconds. After all, you were full after the first round. He's right, the slice of pie really isn't necessarily good for your figure.
Christmas 2014- buys you your first diamond earrings. Then makes you feel guilty that you cant get him anything more than a gun cleaning kit and ice fishing gear because all of the bills are in your name and he doesn't pay them. You're now buying all the groceries. And $8.00/hour isn't even enough to support a family of 3. You're digging into your comfortable savings account each month to make ends meet as it is.
January 2015- he finally buys himself another car that you can use... a 2019 Toyota Camry with 140k miles. That's the car you're going to drive an hour each way every other day to exchange baby with mom. He no longer goes with you.
March 2015- he convinces you to leave the job you love because your savings is gone, and he won't help support the family with his income.
May 2015- you get a job as a pharmacy technician, and hate every second. But it's better money, so you stick with it. You're finally making ends meet.
May 2015- he signs a lease for both of you on a house that's way more expensive without you seeing or approving. But your mom was there and she liked it. It's 1.2 miles from her, so it's okay. Also, he pays half the rent, so if I stop buying unnecessary things like bath bombs, makeup, contacts, clothes, shoes, snack food, etc it'll work out. It's going to be tight, but it'll be okay. He doesn't like when you wear contacts or makeup anyway, it brings too much attention to yourself.
June 25, 2015- you throw a big Elmo themed birthday party for your big 2 year old!! Everybody comes, all of the stress of moving and planning is worth the mental breakdown you had at 10am while little man was sleeping because you didn't have time to go run and get the balloons and he refuses to get off the couch.
July 2015- he yells at you for the first time. You were finally relaxing after a busy day at work, and he had the day off. But it's 5:45pm and you forgot about dinner. He's right, you are lazy. It's just that you promised to make general tso's chicken but you're so tired.
August 2015- he grabs a cookie from your hand for the first time. He's right, you don't need it. You start losing weight. It's stress, but everyone assumes it's intentional. You did start running with little man, and you have cut out all food that's bad for you.
September 2015- he calls you a terrible wife for the first time. But he's right... a good wife would have exchanged cars with him on her day off so she can wash his car after cleaning the 2 bathrooms, kitchen, living room, dining room, 2 bedrooms, doing all of the laundry, sweeping the garage, and cleaning and washing the car she drives. I was being selfish.
October 2015- we unexpectedly have little man for Halloween and it's the day of, and he doesn't have a costume. He calls you an awful mom for the first time. He's right though, a good mom would plan for things like this. Little man ends up being the cutest cow I've ever seen. He loves it!
November 2015- Camry breaks down for the first time. It's all your fault. You should have told him 8 more times that it was idling weird.
December 2015- you ask to have Christmas with your family, but are convinced to go to his dad's side now, because you haven't ever gone as a family.
January 2015- he reminds you that you will never be a real mother for the first time. He reminds you that little man is not your son, and you can never have one. Do you deserve a child anyway? There's got to be a reason you can't have kids. You don't deserve them.
February 2015- we celebrate the day we first met little man. He calls you "mom" for the first time. You cry watching him sleep because you've never loved anything the way you love that child. And he confirms that the feeling is justified. You're a mom, a real mom, it doesn't matter what anyone else says.
April 2015- he doesn't celebrate your birthday. When you get sad about it, you're reminded that you're just being selfish. You are. It's just a birthday, it's not like anybody cared while you were growing up.
June 2015- you throw the coolest superhero birthday party for little man's 3rd birthday!! You work for months creating a menu, signs, a giant comic book about all of his favorite things and facts about him, a silly string tag obstacle course, and a hero training center, complete with 10-ft PVC army crawl race.
August 2015- you take him out of town to see his best friend for his birthday. He ignores you the whole time. But he's having fun, and it's his birthday.
September 2015- you lose your job at the pharmacy. It was a temp-to-hire job and they found someone more qualified while you were still a temp.
November 2015- you get a job working at a local jewelry store. It's not ideal, but it's fun and it's money.
December 2015- he doesn't get you a Christmas gift. Did you expect one? You didn't have a job for 2 1/2 months.
January 2016- he buys himself a newer, safer car. But you can't use it to go get little man, still an hour both ways. Now only twice/week.
April 2016- he gets you both tickets to a rock festival. With his family.
May 2016- he gets mad the first day of the festival when you couldn't get his attention to tell him you were going with his 15 year old cousin to our mutually favorite band, so you tell his cousin standing right next to him. Doesn't talk to you the rest of the 3 days.
June 2016- he stops talking to said cousin, and demands I do the same. I say I do, but I don't. He is, after all, my best friend these days.
June 2016- you had to pay for everything at the festival, so your birthday fund for little man was scarce. You manage to pull together a joint birthday party with his best friend at a water park.
July 2016- he asks you to marry him. You say yes.
August 2016- he tells you not to shop for a dress until you know what size you're going to be. He's right, I have gained weight back. Is it that noticable?
September 2016- wedding planning is in full swing. He shuts down all of your ideas instantly. He wants a big wedding with all of his family there. A courthouse wedding and little party after just won't do.
October 2016- he stops helping with the planning. It's just too stressful for him. But he'll keep track of all the things he wants.
December 2016- save the dates go out, first payment on vendors. You find out you're expected to pay for it all by yourself. He wants nothing to do with this wedding he's requiring you to have.
January 2017- bridesmaid and groomsmen requests go out. You fucked up. He wouldn't tell you who his best man should be. You chose his friend since high school, he wanted it to be his cousin he's not even talking to. When he finds out he yells at you for weeks. It's all your fault, you should have known it would have been his cousin despite the state of their relationship.
April 2017- he stops talking to you altogether unless it's about something he needs, or something you need to be doing better. Usually at an unreasonably loud volume.
May 2017- you're making last minute arrangements, asking him to get his tux tailored means the silent treatment for the next 2 weeks.
June 2017- did he get his tux tailored? You ask again, it's 3 weeks from the wedding and he hadn't. You have to pay DJ, food, tent and chair rental, you have to make bouquets, centerpieces, get tablecloths, dishes... etc. Is the pole barn done? (Oh, did I mention we built a pole barn for this shindig?)
June 2017- your best friend flies in from San Diego. Thank God! Your bachelorette party was a blast, but it causes a fight. You didn't call the whole time. Even though he was out at his party, he wouldn't have answered.
June 30 2017- the wedding is tomorrow, good thing electricity was put in today. You have a complete mental breakdown because nobody is helping set up and the wedding is in less than 16 hours. Tables and chairs need to be cleaned, food tents need to be set up, so much to do. He's just standing around. Wedding is now 10 hours away and tents are still down. You get so fed up with it you finally blow up. He tells you to shut the fuck up and stop being a cry baby and storms off. No rehearsal was completed due to the lack of help. Your maid of honor and best friend reminds you later that you don't have to go through with this. Sleeping little man in your arms pulls you to not give up yet.
July 1 2017- you marry the father of the little man you love so dearly. You forgt to write your vows, you wrote them for the little man weeks ago. But how do you write vows to somebody who makes you cry at night? What do I vow to you. You vow to be a better wife, to become more selfless, to respect him more, to follow him in his dreams. He vows to always stay faithful. The only actual vow he made.
July 2017- he called me worthless for the first time. He also starts keeping a loaded gun on the gun rack, and starts watching it when he gets angry.
August 2017- he told me I will never be the wife he deserves.
August 2017- I buy a Subaru. It's safer for the little man and I traveling long distances in the snow. I never get to drive it. Ever.
September 2017- he convinces me to quit my job at the jewelry store because health insurance at his job is too expensive with us all on it.
October 2017- I get hired at UnitedHealthcare. I process applications. I don't make a single friend at work. I don't talk, I don't express myself. I go, do my job and rush home.
December 2017- I work from home for the first time, roads are awful and I can't leave the driveway. I'm lazy though. I don't clean the house and shovel on my breaks.
January 2018- I have a fleeting thought that the world would be better off without me. I feel like ending it is the only option. I recognize this as not my own voice and try to source the demon in my head. That night, I'm called worthless, a piece of shit wife, I'm yet again reminded how I will never be a real mom. I decide I need to leave. It's him. I call my best friend and I tell her everything.
February 2018- you're wondering if you're doing the right thing. It's not that bad. You can power through it. For little man. That night you go home and get belittled at the dinner table. Little man steps in and yells at him "you don't talk to my mom like that!" You start crying so you leave. You're doing the right thing. What's it going to teach him if you stay? He's going to learn that it's okay to treat women this way. You cannot be complicit in this.
March 2018- he signs another lease at another place for you starting in April. You were told you had to leave early from your old place due to his attitude toward the landlord. You weren't ready to leave yet. You didn't have anything lined up.
April 2018- you all move.
May 2018- he sells your Subaru, forging your signature while you're at work.
June 2018- a friend asks you to hang out, she's going through a lot and really needed a friend. You're not allowed to. The requests come for the next couple weeks. What's going to be your excuse this time? He reads your texts, listens to your calls, you can't say the truth.
July 1 2018- you don't celebrate your anniversary. He says it's just another day.
July 6 2018- my best friend surprises everybody with a trip from San Diego. You see her for 2 hours before he gets home. Then he takes your keys and locks them in his car and says you're not going.
July 9 2018- he locks you in a car and goes 140mph on the highway, weaving in and out of traffic, drives onto the grass median in the exit ramp and takes a 30mph ramp at 75mph. All the while telling you that you're so selfish. You're worthless, you are the worst excuse of a wife. You're an awful friend, you're the worst mother. When you finally get home, you're petrified. He tells you that "you will never be able to have friends, I will never trust you"
July 9 2018- you finally do it. You finally leave. You tell him it's for a couple days, just to clear your head. He tells you "if you want to leave, don't ever fucking come back". So you pack necessities, and you leave. It's the last time you ever listen to him. You never go back.
Statistically - domestic abuse victims are less likely to be killed when physical violence in the home prior to the homicide. They are also 11x more likely to be murdered after leaving.
I've had many people try to invalidate my experience saying I'm "being dramatic" but no person should ever drive you to contemplate ending your life. Not even once.
This is only a brief synopsis of the very worst of it. The things that play in my head when I remind myself why I left.
I often get asked why I stayed so long. This little man. Who also gave me the strength to leave. No, he may not be mine by blood, but I am still mourning the loss of a child. In this picture below he was telling me that I'm "the most beautiful mom in the whole big world".
I hope my story helps just one person realize their worth. I hope it opens the eyes of one person who feels like I felt. He may have never physically hurt me, but the emotional damage that one human can do to another is unfathomable. I hope one day we're have a world where women and men no longer have to fear the person that is supposed to love them the most. "
May 2013- I meet a man, he seems too good to be true. He's funny, smart, outgoing, he treats me, constantly compliments me, brags about me to people around him... overall great guy.
July 2013- find out said guy has a son that was born a few weeks before that he didn't know about. Whatever, he's amazing, you love children, you are a preschool teacher, after all.
December 2013- move in with said man because his roommates and him needed someone to take an empty spot for the person they kicked out. Then there's an extra bedroom for baby.
Christmas eve-eve 2014- he slices his hand on an ice auger, cutting 2 1/2 tendons. Surgery the next day, he doesn't have insurance and has to miss 2 months of work, but it's okay, that's what your savings account is for.
February 2014- finally meet baby. Fall in love instantly. You two just bond, you can't explain it. When mom takes him he reaches and cries for you on the first meeting.
June 2014- you move into your own place. Que happy little family.
July 2014- he calls you dumb for the first time. But you are being dumb... I mean, how could you not know how to set up the internet?
August 2014- he calls you crazy for the first time. But it's true. You knew he was going out with the guys and you'd be home with the teething baby tonight. You should have assumed he wouldn't be back until morning, and would be too drunk to text you and check on his child. Is it really that big of a deal that you pack up a 13 month old and walk 3 miles to Walgreens for tylenol at 1am because you don't have a car and he took it, even though you offered to drop him off in case you needed to go somewhere.
September 2014- you find out he's been saving money for the past couple months and takes you on a weekend getaway.
November 2014- it's Thanksgiving. He comments about getting seconds. After all, you were full after the first round. He's right, the slice of pie really isn't necessarily good for your figure.
Christmas 2014- buys you your first diamond earrings. Then makes you feel guilty that you cant get him anything more than a gun cleaning kit and ice fishing gear because all of the bills are in your name and he doesn't pay them. You're now buying all the groceries. And $8.00/hour isn't even enough to support a family of 3. You're digging into your comfortable savings account each month to make ends meet as it is.
January 2015- he finally buys himself another car that you can use... a 2019 Toyota Camry with 140k miles. That's the car you're going to drive an hour each way every other day to exchange baby with mom. He no longer goes with you.
March 2015- he convinces you to leave the job you love because your savings is gone, and he won't help support the family with his income.
May 2015- you get a job as a pharmacy technician, and hate every second. But it's better money, so you stick with it. You're finally making ends meet.
May 2015- he signs a lease for both of you on a house that's way more expensive without you seeing or approving. But your mom was there and she liked it. It's 1.2 miles from her, so it's okay. Also, he pays half the rent, so if I stop buying unnecessary things like bath bombs, makeup, contacts, clothes, shoes, snack food, etc it'll work out. It's going to be tight, but it'll be okay. He doesn't like when you wear contacts or makeup anyway, it brings too much attention to yourself.
June 25, 2015- you throw a big Elmo themed birthday party for your big 2 year old!! Everybody comes, all of the stress of moving and planning is worth the mental breakdown you had at 10am while little man was sleeping because you didn't have time to go run and get the balloons and he refuses to get off the couch.
July 2015- he yells at you for the first time. You were finally relaxing after a busy day at work, and he had the day off. But it's 5:45pm and you forgot about dinner. He's right, you are lazy. It's just that you promised to make general tso's chicken but you're so tired.
August 2015- he grabs a cookie from your hand for the first time. He's right, you don't need it. You start losing weight. It's stress, but everyone assumes it's intentional. You did start running with little man, and you have cut out all food that's bad for you.
September 2015- he calls you a terrible wife for the first time. But he's right... a good wife would have exchanged cars with him on her day off so she can wash his car after cleaning the 2 bathrooms, kitchen, living room, dining room, 2 bedrooms, doing all of the laundry, sweeping the garage, and cleaning and washing the car she drives. I was being selfish.
October 2015- we unexpectedly have little man for Halloween and it's the day of, and he doesn't have a costume. He calls you an awful mom for the first time. He's right though, a good mom would plan for things like this. Little man ends up being the cutest cow I've ever seen. He loves it!
November 2015- Camry breaks down for the first time. It's all your fault. You should have told him 8 more times that it was idling weird.
December 2015- you ask to have Christmas with your family, but are convinced to go to his dad's side now, because you haven't ever gone as a family.
January 2015- he reminds you that you will never be a real mother for the first time. He reminds you that little man is not your son, and you can never have one. Do you deserve a child anyway? There's got to be a reason you can't have kids. You don't deserve them.
February 2015- we celebrate the day we first met little man. He calls you "mom" for the first time. You cry watching him sleep because you've never loved anything the way you love that child. And he confirms that the feeling is justified. You're a mom, a real mom, it doesn't matter what anyone else says.
April 2015- he doesn't celebrate your birthday. When you get sad about it, you're reminded that you're just being selfish. You are. It's just a birthday, it's not like anybody cared while you were growing up.
June 2015- you throw the coolest superhero birthday party for little man's 3rd birthday!! You work for months creating a menu, signs, a giant comic book about all of his favorite things and facts about him, a silly string tag obstacle course, and a hero training center, complete with 10-ft PVC army crawl race.
August 2015- you take him out of town to see his best friend for his birthday. He ignores you the whole time. But he's having fun, and it's his birthday.
September 2015- you lose your job at the pharmacy. It was a temp-to-hire job and they found someone more qualified while you were still a temp.
November 2015- you get a job working at a local jewelry store. It's not ideal, but it's fun and it's money.
December 2015- he doesn't get you a Christmas gift. Did you expect one? You didn't have a job for 2 1/2 months.
January 2016- he buys himself a newer, safer car. But you can't use it to go get little man, still an hour both ways. Now only twice/week.
April 2016- he gets you both tickets to a rock festival. With his family.
May 2016- he gets mad the first day of the festival when you couldn't get his attention to tell him you were going with his 15 year old cousin to our mutually favorite band, so you tell his cousin standing right next to him. Doesn't talk to you the rest of the 3 days.
June 2016- he stops talking to said cousin, and demands I do the same. I say I do, but I don't. He is, after all, my best friend these days.
June 2016- you had to pay for everything at the festival, so your birthday fund for little man was scarce. You manage to pull together a joint birthday party with his best friend at a water park.
July 2016- he asks you to marry him. You say yes.
August 2016- he tells you not to shop for a dress until you know what size you're going to be. He's right, I have gained weight back. Is it that noticable?
September 2016- wedding planning is in full swing. He shuts down all of your ideas instantly. He wants a big wedding with all of his family there. A courthouse wedding and little party after just won't do.
October 2016- he stops helping with the planning. It's just too stressful for him. But he'll keep track of all the things he wants.
December 2016- save the dates go out, first payment on vendors. You find out you're expected to pay for it all by yourself. He wants nothing to do with this wedding he's requiring you to have.
January 2017- bridesmaid and groomsmen requests go out. You fucked up. He wouldn't tell you who his best man should be. You chose his friend since high school, he wanted it to be his cousin he's not even talking to. When he finds out he yells at you for weeks. It's all your fault, you should have known it would have been his cousin despite the state of their relationship.
April 2017- he stops talking to you altogether unless it's about something he needs, or something you need to be doing better. Usually at an unreasonably loud volume.
May 2017- you're making last minute arrangements, asking him to get his tux tailored means the silent treatment for the next 2 weeks.
June 2017- did he get his tux tailored? You ask again, it's 3 weeks from the wedding and he hadn't. You have to pay DJ, food, tent and chair rental, you have to make bouquets, centerpieces, get tablecloths, dishes... etc. Is the pole barn done? (Oh, did I mention we built a pole barn for this shindig?)
June 2017- your best friend flies in from San Diego. Thank God! Your bachelorette party was a blast, but it causes a fight. You didn't call the whole time. Even though he was out at his party, he wouldn't have answered.
June 30 2017- the wedding is tomorrow, good thing electricity was put in today. You have a complete mental breakdown because nobody is helping set up and the wedding is in less than 16 hours. Tables and chairs need to be cleaned, food tents need to be set up, so much to do. He's just standing around. Wedding is now 10 hours away and tents are still down. You get so fed up with it you finally blow up. He tells you to shut the fuck up and stop being a cry baby and storms off. No rehearsal was completed due to the lack of help. Your maid of honor and best friend reminds you later that you don't have to go through with this. Sleeping little man in your arms pulls you to not give up yet.
July 1 2017- you marry the father of the little man you love so dearly. You forgt to write your vows, you wrote them for the little man weeks ago. But how do you write vows to somebody who makes you cry at night? What do I vow to you. You vow to be a better wife, to become more selfless, to respect him more, to follow him in his dreams. He vows to always stay faithful. The only actual vow he made.
July 2017- he called me worthless for the first time. He also starts keeping a loaded gun on the gun rack, and starts watching it when he gets angry.
August 2017- he told me I will never be the wife he deserves.
August 2017- I buy a Subaru. It's safer for the little man and I traveling long distances in the snow. I never get to drive it. Ever.
September 2017- he convinces me to quit my job at the jewelry store because health insurance at his job is too expensive with us all on it.
October 2017- I get hired at UnitedHealthcare. I process applications. I don't make a single friend at work. I don't talk, I don't express myself. I go, do my job and rush home.
December 2017- I work from home for the first time, roads are awful and I can't leave the driveway. I'm lazy though. I don't clean the house and shovel on my breaks.
January 2018- I have a fleeting thought that the world would be better off without me. I feel like ending it is the only option. I recognize this as not my own voice and try to source the demon in my head. That night, I'm called worthless, a piece of shit wife, I'm yet again reminded how I will never be a real mom. I decide I need to leave. It's him. I call my best friend and I tell her everything.
February 2018- you're wondering if you're doing the right thing. It's not that bad. You can power through it. For little man. That night you go home and get belittled at the dinner table. Little man steps in and yells at him "you don't talk to my mom like that!" You start crying so you leave. You're doing the right thing. What's it going to teach him if you stay? He's going to learn that it's okay to treat women this way. You cannot be complicit in this.
March 2018- he signs another lease at another place for you starting in April. You were told you had to leave early from your old place due to his attitude toward the landlord. You weren't ready to leave yet. You didn't have anything lined up.
April 2018- you all move.
May 2018- he sells your Subaru, forging your signature while you're at work.
June 2018- a friend asks you to hang out, she's going through a lot and really needed a friend. You're not allowed to. The requests come for the next couple weeks. What's going to be your excuse this time? He reads your texts, listens to your calls, you can't say the truth.
July 1 2018- you don't celebrate your anniversary. He says it's just another day.
July 6 2018- my best friend surprises everybody with a trip from San Diego. You see her for 2 hours before he gets home. Then he takes your keys and locks them in his car and says you're not going.
July 9 2018- he locks you in a car and goes 140mph on the highway, weaving in and out of traffic, drives onto the grass median in the exit ramp and takes a 30mph ramp at 75mph. All the while telling you that you're so selfish. You're worthless, you are the worst excuse of a wife. You're an awful friend, you're the worst mother. When you finally get home, you're petrified. He tells you that "you will never be able to have friends, I will never trust you"
July 9 2018- you finally do it. You finally leave. You tell him it's for a couple days, just to clear your head. He tells you "if you want to leave, don't ever fucking come back". So you pack necessities, and you leave. It's the last time you ever listen to him. You never go back.
Statistically - domestic abuse victims are less likely to be killed when physical violence in the home prior to the homicide. They are also 11x more likely to be murdered after leaving.
I've had many people try to invalidate my experience saying I'm "being dramatic" but no person should ever drive you to contemplate ending your life. Not even once.
This is only a brief synopsis of the very worst of it. The things that play in my head when I remind myself why I left.
I often get asked why I stayed so long. This little man. Who also gave me the strength to leave. No, he may not be mine by blood, but I am still mourning the loss of a child. In this picture below he was telling me that I'm "the most beautiful mom in the whole big world".
I hope my story helps just one person realize their worth. I hope it opens the eyes of one person who feels like I felt. He may have never physically hurt me, but the emotional damage that one human can do to another is unfathomable. I hope one day we're have a world where women and men no longer have to fear the person that is supposed to love them the most. "
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