Survivor story #3-I don't hate him

"I’m not sure if emotional abuse counts, but here’s some of my info. I dated someone from the age of 18-24. I didn’t realize I was being emotionally abused until the very end and especially every day I look back. Idk if he even realized he was doing it. We started distance and because I was a freshmen in college and he was a senior in high school, he was worried I’d cheat on him. We Skyped ALL the time in my free time. I ended up getting really bad social anxiety and gained a lot of weight. Even after he moved to the same town he was like that. He’d tell me not to get a ski pass and ski because it was too expensive (he didn’t ski or snowboard) We always went to visit his family but he only visited mine once in the whole time we dated. Even the smallest things he controlled. We went to a concert and I was excited for the opening band. The whole way there though we had to listen to his music, not the music I wanted. Any decision was usually his. His way of control was mostly money. He worked full time and brought in more money since I was in college. Of course he was really sweet sometimes too. He was thoughtful and knew me super well. He tried to always help me any way he could. He truly loved me. One day I finally realized I had feelings for someone else. I never acted on it, but even just the thought of liking someone else freaked me out. I brought this up to him, hoping we could figure out how to “be in love again”, but I don’t think he took it seriously. I went to my sisters wedding ( which he told me I shouldn’t go to because it was so far away and expensive). It was in Idaho at her camp. I saw so many happy couples that were doing so much together, but also had their alone time for their favorite hobby or whatever. I told him when I got home I wanted to break up. I did too. But I had to live in the spare room because I didn’t have much money. Of course,being with someone soooo much and then sleeping alone was hard. Before I broke up, I told him I WAS GOING to Idaho to stay with my sister for my student teaching. Usually, I’d “ask” or listen to him too. But I knew I was going no matter what. He hated it. Got mad. After I broke up he tried to say he supported it and that he will miss me. Make me feel guilty saying I wouldn’t come back for him. Even tried to say maybe we could move out west sometime. A month before I left I broke down and slept next to him. I missed the human contact of even just holding a hand. I was so confused I started seeing a counselor. When I went to Idaho to student teach we were broken up, but “trying to fix things”. My sister helped me make a Tinder and Bumble account to try going on a date. He was only my second bf, so I wanted to see what it was like having more of a choice now that I was different than when I was 18. I loved it. I found things I liked in guys and things I hated. That’s when I realized I was emotionally abused. I bought skis and a pass on the little money I had saved. He lectured me. I was losing weight and got my depression and anxiety doses lowered. I broke up with him and decided Idaho was my new home. I’ve been single for 2 years now. Part of it is because I’m scared of choosing the “wrong person”, but mostly because I want to choose the, “right one”. After over hundreds of dates over the last two years, I’ve finally met someone that I’m taking a chance on. He’s in the Air Force and is moving by me in May. Before I even met him in person we FaceTimed every day for 4 months. It felt so natural the first time I met him. He had been married before early (military) and has been divorced. He’s one of the rare ones on online dating that is looking for something real and lasting. With all of the past things from my last relationship, my anxiety spikes all the time. It sucks. I’m always so worried that my anxiety will scare him away. I’m worried he will cheat like my ex did, get mad at me, or try and control me. But so far, I don’t see anything like that in him. He’s so honest and we have our own hobbies for alone time. He motivates me to do what I love like soccer, skiing and running/working out. This is the first time I’ve ever written anything down. Like most things, it’s so hard to explain or even think of all the tiny things that he did to control me. I think it even makes it harder on me that I honestly don’t think he meant harm. I think he was scared I’d leave, and was trying to make me stay. I don’t hate him and I’m glad we can still talk once and a while."

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